By Kate Lingren
It all comes down to our internal struggles and listening to both sides of the conflict.
You want to quit your job – but maybe you don’t.
On the one hand, your boss makes you want to run screaming out of the building. Between the micromanaging and the unpredictability, getting through the day has become tougher and tougher. On the other hand you like your colleagues, the work you do and, of course, the pay and benefits.
So, now what?
Understanding our internal push and pull
Ultimately, all human struggle comes down to these sorts of inner conflicts: one part pushing against another, often with equal intensity and purpose. You desperately want to leave your job but also want to stay. The worse your boss gets – and the more you need a steady paycheck – the more paralyzing the inner struggle can be.
In the Internal Family Systems field we talk a lot about these “parts” and the need for “parts works.” From the IFS perspective, every behavior or feeling comes from a part of us that’s working to get our needs met, some more skillfully and effectively than others, though all with positive intention. We don’t want to be at work because it’s emotionally draining. At the same time, we want to be there because we want the compensation. That angry protector side that lashes out when you feel threatened? Sure, it’s trying to protect your vulnerable parts but, at the same time, in showing itself so fully it’s simply attracting more anger. And that’s not helpful either.
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Recognizing and mitigating the struggle
So, then, what do you do when you sense the struggle – when you recognize the internal push and pull or simply feel a deep discomfort with a person, situation or choice?
In those moments, it’s important to listen for the parts that are being activated – those hurt, wounded or afraid parts. Those are your “exiles” – your vulnerable parts — energizing your protectors. Understanding both the vulnerable and the protector parts will help you better understand how to balance these forces and create more internal harmony.
A good example? A friend makes an embarrassing comment about you in front of a group and that comment triggers an angry response which, likely, does nothing to improve the situation.
Taking a step back, though, and it’s easy to recognize the vulnerable part and the protector part. Your vulnerability in this situation is that, if you didn’t get angry, you’d have to resort to embarrassment – your friend’s comment made you feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, maybe even ashamed. That’s when your protector part swung into action, lashing out to protect that embarrassed, vulnerable side from fully surfacing. Now, instead of being embarrassed you can be angry – and maybe that’s a more comfortable pill to swallow, at least in the immediate moment.
But there’s a better solution. If you could help that vulnerability – that pang of embarrassment – you wouldn’t need to activate those protectors. Vulnerabilities drive protectors to the surface. Without that struggle, there’s no reason for the lash out. There are no painful feelings to safeguard against.
Think about that same scenario – the friend and the embarrassing comment. Now replay that same scenario with one difference: you don’t get angry but, instead, bring compassion to the embarrassment and the vulnerability. Accept it. Emotionally work through it. Then you wouldn’t need that protector – in this case, anger. You’d finally be able to relax, lean in and have a more thoughtful response in the moment.
From there, the true healing can begin. With our protectors relaxed, we can go back to our vulnerabilities and dig into the hurt parts – parts of ourselves likely stuck in the past, where those embarrassing comments still really sting.
Being with our not-so-comfortable parts
Over the years I’ve worked a lot with my parts that carry shame so now I can be with my shamed and embarrassed parts. Oftentimes now in uncomfortable situations I know I can give that part some comfort so there’s no need for the angry protector to take me over – and, as a result, unintentionally invite even more conflict.
In IFS we talk about the eight Cs – Compassion, Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Courage, Connectedness, Confidence and Creativity. Together, we believe these Cs help us better understand and bring healing to our inner parts so we can experience deeper relationships with those closest to us. I would argue, though, that there’s a ninth C – Character. This process is about the journey to access our “Self” or our “core essence” – our character, in short. By working to overcome the burdens of internal pain and protector energy, we’re working to access and harness our own character.
When that happens, our protector parts don’t have to activate with the same force and ferocity. When that happens, our protector parts can relax and we’ll be better able to react to what’s really happening, not what our internal triggers are making us feel about what’s happening.
Think about that for a minute – reactions purely dictated on what’s really going on, in this moment vs in the past, and how we feel or don’t want to feel. That embarrassing comment stops dead in its track without the outburst and the aftermath.
And we can finally act from character.
Kate Lingren, LICSW is a clinical social worker in private practice and an activist working against bigotry in all its forms: racism, homophobia, heterosexism, transphobia, sexism, and classism among others. For the past 30 years, Kate has worked in full time private practice. She is a Certified Internal Family Systems therapist (IFS), and now teaches couple therapy using IFS around the US and in Europe. Kate also teaches IFS at Boston College’s School of Social Work.
