Happiness starts by being kind to one very important person: you.
I was chatting with a friend of mine recently about his newfound sobriety after nearly 40 years of alcohol abuse. When talking about the journey I asked him, “What finally inspired you to make this life change?”
“Well, I was slowly killing myself,” he said. “And I decided if I wanted to stay alive, I needed to be much kinder to myself.”
Being kinder to yourself. What a simple idea. It’s something that seems relatively easy to do once you have the awareness around it. So, why is it so hard?
It’s difficult to pinpoint an exact reason. Some might say it’s the compare-and-despair traps like Instagram and other social platforms that make us so hard on ourselves as we strive for unrealistic standards of perfection. Others may say it’s our work-obsessed culture that makes us downright mean to ourselves at times—we’re stressed at work and unhappy in our careers, so we take it out on ourselves.
Wherever it stems from, it seems like now more than ever the default in our culture is to be extremely tough on ourselves. And frankly, unkind.
When we’re struggling at work we push ourselves to stay later and overload our plates with more tasks to prove we’re capable. When we’re struggling in relationships, we tend to worry more about our partners and getting their validation than we do about how we’re feeling inside. Jeez, we can’t even commit to weekend plans (or non-plans) without putting ourselves through the wringer. Have you ever skipped a night out and opted instead for a quiet night in only to beat yourself up over a case of FOMO—even though you made a conscious decision to not go for a reason?
We can’t win with ourselves. Honestly, what does being kind to ourselves even mean?
Let’s break it down.
What does being kind to ourselves look like?
It looks different for everyone, but across the board, it looks like action. Do something. For yourself! Pick up the phone and make that appointment with your doctor for an annual physical—being aware of your health is a way to show yourself you care about your own well being.
Treat yourself to something that feels significant. It could be a nice meal, actually going out to a movie, or even taking a day off to (gasp!) relax.
Be present with yourself. Our bodies and minds work together to tell us what we need, and we only get one of each, so it’s important to listen. If yoga classes and meditation are a little too woo-woo for your tastes, even something like a coffee break and a peaceful walk around the block is an act of self-kindness.
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What does being kind to ourselves feel like?
You know when you get that phone call from a friend who just needs a pep-talk? Their chips are down and they need your open heart and strong shoulders to help them over the hump without being judged even if—real talk—their bad decisions got them there. You listen. You bolster. You speak the truth. You are kind.
That’s what trust and unconditional love feel like. You can give that to yourself. You are worth it and you can give that to yourself through acts of kindness. YOur care and compassion has a positive ripple effect because being kind to yourself and building self-confidence go hand-in-hand. The kinder you are to yourself, the better you feel about yourself and the better you feel the more trust you have in your capabilities. The more you trust that you’re capable, the more opportunities you seek, and there’s no faster connection to happiness than seizing opportunities and controlling the direction of your life.
What does being kind to ourselves sound like?
Being kind to yourself starts with giving that blame-y, critical inner voice a day off.. Sure, there’s always room for improvement in life, so looking at your decisions and actions through the lens of constructive criticism isn’t a bad thing.
There’s a line, though. That voice that doesn’t forgive your mistakes and picks apart things you don’t have control over has got to get a new hobby. It’s trying to help you out and protect you from the perils of the world. Chances are it’s doing a bang-up job, but you’re probably exhausted from its efforts. What if you could show some kindness to that voice for having such an accomplished critical eye, thank it for doing such a great job, and asking it to rest a while – you can take over from here.
The kindness you have for the parts of you that might be wearing you out is where you can start to give yourself a break. Then you’ll have a bit more space for a kinder voice that recognizes not only where you can improve as a human and grow, but also champions all the things you’re already doing well. That’s the voice that also isn’t afraid to say “no.”
“No” to things that suck the life out of you.
“No” to toxic relationships and friendships.
“No” to undervaluing yourself.
“No” to irrational ideas (like fat-free ice cream. Life is short and meant to be delicious—just eat the real thing for heaven’s sake!).
Think about being on an airplane. You know the drill. In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. But here’s the trick for the day-to-day: don’t wait for the emergency to be able to save yourself.
Treating yourself with kindness—being of kind character—is a small gesture with a big message: you are worthwhile. And how wonderful to be a person of character who can share that message with the world.
