By Elly Mullins
How to parent during a global pandemic? This is the topic of numerous discussions, debates, and commiserations about the many elements of parenthood that need to be juggled during these, erm, unprecedented times.
How to co-parent during a global pandemic? This is a lesser discussed issue, unless you are someone who has to do it.
Co-parenting
First and foremost, the relationship between co-parents is rooted in their relationships with their children. Even in the best of cases, where two people have decided to maintain a friendship while separating romantically, they have made the choice to function independent of each other. It is my understanding that in such cases, these are people who have nonetheless been able to co-parent harmoniously with open communication and a focus on meeting their children’s needs as the top priority.
I’ve met a few of these people, and I am in awe of their ability to maintain selflessness and sustain composure as their worlds, and then The World, shut down. I wish I could say that I fall into this category of evolved humanity, but, since being separated, I have not always been as gracious with my ex as I am with others. This has been especially true since the onset of the pandemic.
Uncertainty
The uncertainty and unpredictability of the last six months has added a level of stress to many people’s lives. For people like myself who have struggled with co-parenting, this stress exacerbates the fractures that likely led to and were then sustained through separation or divorce. In my own attempts to navigate this with my ex-husband, I have found very little guidance from others, and my efforts to figure this out have perhaps best demonstrated the error of “trial and error.”
So, how do you communicate effectively with an ex under the worst of circumstances when your attempts at communication under the best of circumstances were fraught?
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Why?
Where I’ve landed has been guided by an old adage that has been challenging to embrace: Keep it simple, silly. (This is, of course, a slight variation on the original.) As a Virgo, an English major, a school social worker, and a generally gregarious person, this does not come naturally to me. I love details, and more importantly I love context. I love asking and answering the question, “Why?”
But I have learned, over the last few months, that eliminating the “why’s” in response to my ex will save myself unnecessary grief. I now carve out time during my day to communicate with my ex when necessary, and I edit my texts and emails heavily before sending, removing context that seems important to me but likely reads as superfluous to him.
I’ve also pushed myself to seek out and lean on others in similar circumstances. One of the silver linings of our current lifestyle is more interconnectedness through online resources. I’ve met other divorced or separated women (and some men) who have acted as sounding boards. Many times their wisdom, validation, and virtual hugs have enabled me to have the conversations I wish I could have with my ex: I am able to express the fears and concerns about raising a child during a pandemic with someone who actually wants to hear it. These friends really do want to understand the “why?” in my thinking whereas my ex only needs the most basic information. Often, I will write my text or email in a note before I consult with others, usually saving myself from getting ensnared in a back and forth about whose Covid-19 sources are more accurate, or how many children constitute a “pod”.
Reality
The reality of co-parenting is that no one ever really knows what goes on in the other parents’ house. Our exes or our children may share information, but it is often filtered by what they think we want to hear. This is something we have to accept in separation and divorce, difficult as it may be. There are undoubtedly situations where formal or legal help need to be involved, especially when our children’s health, housing, and safety are involved. But many of the lesser challenges we face as co-parents (or parallel parents) can be settled over text and email if we keep it simple and accept that, ultimately, our exes will parent in ways that reflect their own values and capabilities. We cannot change this. But we can change how we act and react. And perhaps by doing this, our children will remember how we remained calm and strong even in the midst of a global crisis.
