How to have—and move past—challenging conversations at work.
“It’s not personal, it’s just business.” All business is a little personal – because people are the ones who conduct it. When you consider when most people spend more time with coworkers than they do with their families, it makes the quality of our interactions all the more important. As in a family or any group of people who spend a lot of time together, challenges in behavior and conversation can emerge. From communication breakdowns to colliding egos to feeling underappreciated, the office can be a breeding ground for conflict.
Having a difficult conversation with a coworker or superior can be uncomfortable. That’s more common than not. The good news is that there’s a lot you can do to ensure these conversations go well, and set everyone up to move forward. When it’s time to do the talking, here are a few tips to consider.
1. Run toward the issue, not away from it.
Having a hard time with a particular assignment? The natural tendency may be to put it off. Having a heck of a time working with a particular person? It probably feels easier to vent to another coworker than to confront the issue. In both these cases: Don’t. Do. It. Putting off a necessary conversation, or engaging in office gossip with your confidante instead of talking about your concerns directly and early on will likely make things more difficult in the long run.
2. Get Clear on the Issue
“What do you mean you want to talk with me about something?” The person you need to talk with might respond with a similar question when you ask to schedule a time to talk, so it’s important that you actually know what you want to address. Sometimes the thing we think is the issue — you’re making me crazy and I want you to know it off! – is not really the issue.
The clearer point is that a specific action — the way the team’s work assignments were distributed, the way someone disregarded a colleague’s input or a lack of follow-through on commitments — are what’s concerning you. The clearer you are on the specifics of your concern will make it easier to have a more focused conversation. This also helps prevent sweeping, emotion-based, generalizations about a person or topic down the line.
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3. Nobody likes to be ambushed.
We all know how it feels to be totally taken off guard—not a good feeling, right? When it comes to having a difficult conversation with a particular coworker, start off on the right foot by setting up and time and a place that supports the conversation. If you can meet in person, reserve a conference room so the two of you can have an open, honest conversation without other colleagues hearing your chat. Consider a morning meeting so you can address the issues at the start of your work day instead of stressing about the impending conversation.
4. Use professional, positive language.
Translation: Don’t let your emotions do the talking. Emotions will likely be a little high going into this kind of conversation. If you include them in the dialog, be sure they’re references in context of shared expectations. Emotions are most effective when they are grounded into what is important about the issue itself and less about the reaction you’re having to it.
An example: instead of “I feel like you don’t care about these deadlines,” try something more along the lines of “When you missed that key deadline, it really affected the project. Meeting deadlines are an important part of what we do because it shows that we care about our commitment to the customer and each other. What steps can you take to support that commitment?” And if it’s called for, “how can I support your success in meeting that commitment?”
5. Be willing to move past the conflict, and forward with the relationship.
It can be difficult to have a challenging conversation with someone and then go back to normal interactions, but that’s what happens when you work together. After you address the issues, be willing to put the conversation behind you, and move the relationship forward into a more positive place. That can start at the end of the difficult conversation itself. If it went reasonably well, start just by naming the experience for what it is: tricky. “So, that was a tricky conversation. It wasn’t easy and I appreciate that we could talk. Thanks – I appreciate the effort. Let’s check-in within the week.” Schedule a followup chat to connect on how things have improved for both of you. And then actually follow-up. Don’t let your progress down.
6. Remember you’re not alone. HR is often your go-to guide.
A round of high fives to all the HR reps out there. They’re literally there to ensure that your work life is the best it can be. Don’t shy away from consulting your HR rep for advice before, during, or after the process of addressing a challenging work issue. Part of their role is to be a neutral third party. Many of them can be great mediators, too.
The best part about finally having that challenging conversation with a coworker or boss is knowing that it’s the beginning of the end of the conflict. With open communication and a willingness to squash issues before they get worse, things will likely improve. And if challenges do arise again (because hey, we’re all human and work isn’t easy) you’ve got some tips—and you’ve got this.
