A summation of your thoughts and values, your character is your guide in every decision you make

Truthfulness, wittiness, courage. These are three of Aristotle’s 12 virtues. I’m currently trying to write about character and put those qualities into motion for myself. From Thomas Aquinas, I’m mindful of prudence. Confucious, respect. I’m trying to use all of these to talk about the importance of character in a culture that seems to be struggling with why it’s important at all. 

I’m working to be mindful of Dr. King and his dream for his children and “the content of their character.” I am doing this knowing that there are hurtful people who seek to turn that phrase against people of color while simultaneously refusing to look at their own deficits of character. 

I’m trying to incorporate multiple cultures and languages, to find other words that describe what it is to be a person of character. (The most encompassing is the Yiddish mensch, a person of integrity and honor; but it is generally used to talk about men — is the feminine form wensch? No, that seems wrong…) 

Character is important to me. It’s the basis of my work in organizations and the core of what this site and our conference are about. This is not a topic I take lightly. But it is one I try to take lightheartedly. The whole point of talking about character is because it is a topic that needs to be discussed and mulled around. We need to think about it and test it out. It requires reflection and critical thinking. We need to ask each other what it means and why it matters. 

We need to talk about it and think about it and practice being people of character because our world desperately needs us to be. The place is on fire — literally and figuratively — and it’s up to us to dig deep, connect to our common values, and be people of character so we can save ourselves and our world.

Why must we save ourselves? Because life is too hard for bad reasons right now — like political jackassery being paralyzed by fear. Life is hard because we don’t know how to live our values. But if we just sit down and have a chat about what it means to have character, to live our lives being connected to qualities we see as common in all people, things will get easier. We need a crash course in being people of character. 

There is so much to discuss, so much to explore, so much that my academic brain is bursting at the seams to share and learn, but I’m trying to make this a reasonable length post, so here are some ideas to get started.

First, let’s start with a definition.

Character (noun), from the Greek, kharaktēr ‘a stamping tool’ for distinctive marks

the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. 

Ok, that’s the big idea. 

But there is also:

An unusual or amusing person.

A person in a novel, play or film

and

A printed or written letter or symbol

For our purposes in this post, we’ll stick with the first two. While you might be “quite a character” — a person full of quirks and eccentricities and habits that make you memorable or of general interest (or annoyance) to others, when we think about the content of one’s character, we’re not just talking about idiosyncrasies. 

We’re talking about how you behave in accordance with what are considered to be virtues and principles that are recognized as right and good in all major philosophies the world over. We are also talking about how you feel about your actions as well as the actions themselves.

When we hear, “What a character!” It’s said with a knowing look, a delighted smile, a nod, or perhaps a facepalm and eye-roll. That person is a character. You are acknowledging the unique nature of this person. Sometimes you are feeling admiration, other times it’s more akin to irritation or even astonishment. “How can someone act like that?”

Because it’s in the character of this “character” to act that way.

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So what is character in that context?

Character is the collection of mental and moral qualities. In this sense, character is something that guides you — an internal compass, a sense of right direction. Character can be composed of honesty, integrity, courage, compassion, a sense of justice and fairness, temperance, and so on. It is your character that influences your decisions, thinking, and relationships. Character is your rudder for navigating life. Your character is the framework for deciding whether an action is right or wrong. In this sense, character is something that you have that is shown by what you do. 

“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs”  — Joan Didion

Character is what carries you through life feeling engaged, competent, present, and confident. Using it means that you are the steward of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and how they shape your life. When character guides you, you are making right decisions and you feel proud of your choices and actions. 

Your character reflects your values, the ideas that you hold to be the principles for living a meaningful life. Those core values — honesty, compassion, magnanimity, courage, and so on — are universal across cultures. When you live by them, they influence what you care about and the choices you make. Care is where you give your attention, where you gain and spend your energy and your time, what influences your emotion. 

If you’re new to reflecting on your character, start by noticing what you care about. Who or what receives your care? How do you receive care? From whom? In what ways do you care for yourself? When you answer these questions, you get important insight into your own character and the values that resonate most with you.

Then start noticing when things annoy you and get curious about the root of why they are annoying. A good example is one many people have heard from parents in childhood: “Do as I say, not as I do.” That one has yielded an eye roll or a look of disdain from kids around the globe. Why? Because it’s hypocritical — it shows a lack of integrity and kids know it. 

We tell kids that they have to be honest and keep their promises and be fair to others. When adults state that the rules don’t apply to them, kids’ internal values meter goes crazy. That’s because they know, as all children know, that practicing what you preach builds trust. When kids hear, “Do as I say, not as I do,” it not only frustrates the kid but damages the reputation of the adult as a person of character.

So start noticing your annoyances. What’s the bigger issue underneath them? It’s not always obvious, but more times than not it’s that they aren’t meeting our expectations about how people should demonstrate the character we admire.

Then start examining the ways that you annoy or frustrate yourself. If you say that mindful eating is really important but always grab chips and a Coke for lunch, then you are behaving as though convenience and habit are more important to you than the quality of your diet. Are they? If you say that respecting everyone is really important but don’t listen when others speak, then you are demonstrating that you don’t value respectful behavior. Do you? 

Sometimes chips are delicious and cutting off a long-winded colleague makes sense. The question to ask yourself is there a habit or pattern in place that is going against the values you hold and the character you want to have? Are you falling into the trap of, “do as I say, not as I do?” 

We are human, and try as we might, our actions may not always perfectly reflect our character or our values. We can react in a way that is “out of character” when we’re scared or overwhelmed. Sometimes circumstance is at odds with our desire to do the right thing. You may believe in reducing your climate impact, but don’t have the money to replace your current gas-guzzler. You want to take responsibility for your actions but don’t always feel safe enough to shoulder that responsibility. You see a situation that is very unfair to someone but don’t feel strong enough to do anything about it. All of these things can be true and can influence our choices. 

This is where time becomes very important. If over time, there are trends in your behavior that show you are not living up to your values by acting in a way that supports them, then that lack of right action can become what defines you. And that can feel rotten. That’s not what you’re going for. You want to feel proud of who you are and what you do and feel that you are putting in the work to be aligned in both.

But the bottom line is this: your values guide your understanding of what is right to do. Your character is how you put those values into action. 

The more closely your actions follow your values, the better you feel: more pride, more contentment, more passion. Every choice you make — what you read, what you eat, what you wear, what you drive, how you speak, how you work with others — demonstrates who you are. Is that a lot to take responsibility for? Yes. And it’s amazing that we get to do so. These decisions create your reputation and your character by showing the world what you value. 

The more clearly you understand your own character — the manner in which you enact your values — the more clearly you will see your path and the more self-confidently you will navigate it. So go forth, with character.