By Kate Lingren
How healing our vulnerable parts allows us to see our true character
Throughout our lives, we have all absorbed information that impacts our daily decisions. While some of that information can be useful in the day-to-day, limiting memories of old experiences may also keep us from connecting to our character.
To make use of our true character, we need to recognize and move through any internal pain of past experiences. Instead of immediately reacting with strong protector/defensive energy when we explore our history, we should evaluate the information in front of us and act with clarity.
But how do we get to that point?
Working with parts of ourselves that carry old pain might seem overwhelming, but it doesn’t need to happen all at once. Breaking this down makes it easier to be with our vulnerable parts and react to situations from a clam, compassionate place of character.
You Don’t Have to Boil the Ocean
It’s not about looking at the big picture or boiling the ocean.
To reach your true character, break your experiences down into manageable pieces and look at the unique parts of yourself.
In the Internal Family Systems field, we talk about these parts all the time. Every part of yourself wants to get its needs met. Sometimes, our attempts to get these needs met means draining our energy and acting from a place of protection.
Think about it, parts of yourself were formed from memories you made as a child or information you absorbed. Maybe these parts are associated with feelings of embarrassment or shame. When these parts are triggered as an adult, other parts step in to protect these vulnerable parts. But, this protection can come in a form of lashing out or hurting others.
We use guided meditation in IFS therapy to help access these vulnerable parts. As you start to recognize these parts of yourself, you can acknowledge them and let them know they no longer need to remain stuck in the past. Once these parts are healed, your protector energy won’t need to work as hard.
And when we can relax our protector energy, we can start to act from a place of character.
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It takes time, but once you are able to act from a place of character instead of protector energy, you can build stronger relationships.
Before, if someone triggered one of your vulnerable parts, you might say something hurtful in response. This was your protector energy lashing out. Now you can process the triggering comment and respond calmly to explain why it upset you. Having this type of conversation allows for deeper, more meaningful relationships to flourish.
Acting from a place of true character also allows you to be more open to new experiences. Instead of avoiding a situation or place based on old information, you can make decisions based on the information in front of you. Maybe you will meet new friends or discover a new hobby that your protector energy shielded you from in the past.
Ultimately, as we work with our parts, we start to access our core Selves. We are all born with kindness, compassion and curiosity. But, the pain we experienced in our childhoods and the information we’ve absorbed throughout our lives keeps us from fully harnessing our true Selves.
Working to heal our vulnerable parts and relax our protectors will allow us to once again experience our inner selves and face everything in life with true character and curiosity.
Kate Lingren, LICSW is a clinical social worker in private practice and an activist working against bigotry in all its forms: racism, homophobia, heterosexism, transphobia, sexism, and classism among others. For the past 30 years, Kate has worked in full time private practice. She is a Certified Internal Family Systems therapist (IFS), and now teaches couple therapy using IFS around the US and in Europe. Kate also teaches IFS at Boston College’s School of Social Work.
Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash
